Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
