Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
