i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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