Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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