just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
