Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
