Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
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we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
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There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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