tell your sister to shave her snatch
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
