dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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