your parents love me but you hate me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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