shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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