1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
