I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
