apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
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he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
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Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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