Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
