My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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