So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
