In the future we'll all be gay
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
