The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There's always time for handjobs
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
