I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
