blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
