I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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