Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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