Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
