She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
