The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
