Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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