Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
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You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
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Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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