You smell like a Billy Joel song
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
