I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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