last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
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Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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