i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
