i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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