My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just want to make out with him forever
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
