I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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