you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
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I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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