she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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