my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
