seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
