I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
