my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
