I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
