I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
