Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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