im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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