I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
