I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
