i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
