hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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