Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
