I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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