i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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