Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
