I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
