Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I just found puke in my bra..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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