Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
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today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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