Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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