dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
